I think this is a topic that not many people would choose to talk about openly.
After all, this could be perceived as something inferior, something to be embarrassed about. But of course, it is subjective. So I don't speak for anybody but myself.
I don't have many friends. Acquaintances, yes. Friends, not really. Most people come and go, few stay, fewer stay put and never frizz out.
And sometimes, this makes me sad.
I admit that I do feel conscious about this. And sometimes it makes me bitter thinking about how small my inner circle is. But when I think about the bond that I have built with these limited few, I perk up... and then my heart sinks again because my mind starts badgering me with how "you only have these friends - ha!" After a while, I'll be okay. And then the cycle repeats.
This is not an emo post, nor is it one that teaches you what you should do when things like this happen. It's that once-in-a-while reminder-to-self kind of post. Because I've come to the realisation that at the end of the day, I care too much about how others think to the point that I depend on friends/people to be happy. I simply do not know how to love myself.
Self-loving. It's not a narcissistic expression. It's a habit that every individual should embrace wholeheartedly. I recently read this article titled What Self-Loving People Do Individually and found these three points to be really meaningful.
Self-loving people sleep on it.
"As we learn to respect ourselves, we become more long-term oriented. Instead of caving to momentary impulses and immediate gratification, self-loving people will sleep on it and weigh the outcomes of important decisions. Paradoxically enough, being able to delay gratification and think about long-term outcomes gives us the ability to enjoy our lives more in every single moment, because that "long-term" that we're always thinking about becomes our entire way of life."
Self-loving people teach people how to treat them and walk away if they cannot.
"...self-loving people approach relationships from a place of self-sufficiency. They know what they need to feel respected and they know what they have to offer. They gently teach the people around them about their boundaries and, if those are crossed repeatedly, they have the courage to walk away."
3. Self-loving people admit their mistakes.
"Those who don't have self-respect are always measuring themselves against some outside standard. In many cases, that standard is being "right." They feel good when they're right and crestfallen when they're wrong, because their whole sense of identity is wrapped up in these labels. Self-loving people tend to identify with more permanent parts of their experience, rather than temporary states like right/wrong, old/young, happy/sad. They feel a deep, unconditional acceptance of themselves, which gives them the power to practice self-improvement without losing self-love. Thus, they not only admit when they're wrong, they expect to be."
I think self-loving, if done right, has another word for it: emotional maturity. With that then will i have the psychological strength to banish away the self-defeating afterthought of "and then my heart sinks because my mind starts badgering me with how "you only have these friends - ha!""
In the article, the author writes, "Now, I see happy people and I smile, knowing that their lives are products of a series of habits that support their relationships with themselves." And I give a heartfelt nod in my head and aspire to become the bigger and much happier individual. ☺